what happens when you become an ostrich…#mamavation monday

I’m not sure exactly where this post is going.  Things have been… chaotic around here and I can’t even put it all into words… and when I do, it sounds beyond ridiculous.  especially with everything other people are dealing with… my issues are so trivial.  Seriously.

And this is NOT a “feel sorry for me and tell me everything is gonna be better” post.  Really, when I look at my life, it’s a good one.  I have a decent job.  a great house.  amazing kids.  fantastic friends.  So why be sad?

It’s not even sad as much as it is overwhelming.  Lately, one thing after another has hit and made me look at things in a new light and it’s overwhelming.  Some of the highlights…(I warned you – it’s bullshit and small and petty and you will read this and be all ‘Bitch PLEASE… I got WAY more to be upset about so get over yourself’ and that’s ok… just don’t tell me that in the comments m’kay?)

• I was talking to a “friend” this weekend… (and I put that in quotes because friendship is a two way street and I’m not sure that’s what we have but I’m waiting to see if it transforms into one) and what was said made a lot of sense.   This friend was talking about how they don’t have any goals and instead are just living for immediate gratification… Went on to explain how when you have a goals, you can delay gratification and put forth the effort because you are working towards a bigger goal… but when you don’t, you just live for what you want when you want it and sometimes you end up hurting the people you care about.  yeah… I get that.  So how do you start working towards your goals when you have no clue what they are?  Add to the feeling of drowning…

• I feel like I’m letting a close friend down… someone I care about because I got all kinds of butt-hurt over a decision she made that makes total, rational, logical sense.  Did I actually TALK with her about it?  Nope… just sat here and pouted.  WTF!  That’s not who I am…

• My house – TOTAL disaster and I totally should have cleaned this weekend but I didn’t… and I know that when my house isn’t in order, my life isn’t in order and yet I sat on the couch staring at the overwhelming amount of laundry piling up like I could WILL it into the washing machine… Maybe I need someone to tell me they are coming over in a day or two so that I have a renewed sense of motivation to get my shit in order.

• I spoke my truth to a “family friend” and yes, quotes are deserved here too… and her reaction was so venomous that I really did lose sleep over it.

Plus work issues, and loneliness,  and a litany of other things that REALLY are way too petty to even waste blog space writing about… trust me I could go on and on about my pity party but you guys get the idea… I’m letting all the small shit get me down and that sucks…to the point where I (are you ready for this little bit of crazy?) break down when my friends – the people who REALLY DO CARE ask me what’s wrong and I don’t want to talk about it… but then there are other people NOT asking and that’s pissing me off too… When did I turn into this angry, cynical bitch?  That’s not who I am.  (Bitch, perhaps… but not this angry and cynical)

and yet, maybe it is who I am.  or have been… and I know only I can change it… and then… I see this:

Well Shit… I was just sitting here thinking that I needed to make some changes… but HOW… and low and behold… a sign…literally.

As for the massive amounts of work that have me feeling overwhelmed, I’ve got this…

So… how to change things around…

1. figure out what the hell I want… set goals… even small ones.
2. Talk to the friend I pouted about – I already did this and it helps…
3. House cleaning… I’m not going to even pretend to tackle the whole thing.  But laundry, I can do that tonight.  Yep.  Baby steps
4. Taking lunch to go for a walk today if it’s not raining… heck even if it is raining I need to make this a regular part of my day again
5. Stop being an ostrich and face the crap in my path… Shit happens.  Sometimes you step in it.  just keep moving forward.

One final thought… I stopped doing the #365thanks project and Looking back now, when we live in a state of gratitude… at least when I do… I feel a peace that I crave… and I think most of all, THAT’S what’s been missing lately.  a sense of inner peace.

So, let’s start the #365thanks with today.  Today I’m grateful for the chaos that forces me to again find the peace.

And I’m thankful for all of you who allowed me to vent this out without judgement so that I could finally reach the conclusion that had been evading me.