Now that I’ve fully recovered from the tryptophan induced coma that is Thanksgiving, I was trying to think about what to write about.
Not as easy when I don’t have a calendar of topics already pre-planned… and while I’ve been doing tons of writing, none of that is truly fit for human consumption right now…maybe ever…
So I was scrolling through a folder of images I have entitled “Blog Fodder”… you know, those images and links that I want to write about “someday” but haven’t yet…
As I scrolled, this one really stuck with me.
Over the last few weeks I’ve been a bit too introspective… yes, it’s shocking that I would over analyze even my own life…
In a split second I realized that this was exactly the message I needed to hear right now in this moment.
Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past…
I’ve been doing this… a LOT… trying to figure out why I made the mistakes I made… trying to pin point exactly how I could have done or said things differently… wondering exactly what choices led me to where I am. Now, that said, I have a great life. I’m surrounded my friends and family who love me – each in their own way. I have a career that supports my lifestyle. I’m blessed beyond measure… and yet, this isn’t the life I once dreamed of when I was much MUCH younger. That picture perfect life straight from the pages of a Nicholas Sparks novel elludes me… but the past is just that. Past. No amount of analysis will change the outcome because this is NOT in fact, The Butterfly Effect… but would I really want it to be? All those bumps in the road have made me who I am today…
…stop planning the future…
Oh sure, some amount of planning is necessary… but what about all of the amazing things that have happened in my life that weren’t planned AT ALL? Most of the people who impact my world weren’t calculated planned meetings but gifts of circumstance… and all those plans that failed to materialize? those *may* be fueling a bit of my crazy…
…stop figuring out precisely how we feel…
ahhh yes… stop figuring out precisely how I feel… I’m a fan of clarity. I love words. I like to be able to put things in happy little boxes where everything just fits… but when it comes to my emotions? It is a bit more likely that they are like the junk drawer I’m convinced everyone except my mother has in their kitchen.
You know the one where you just toss stuff in randomly until that day you decide to clean it out. You painstakingly empty the drawer and look at each of the items that have lived there… old birthday candles, spare nails, cords to electronics you don’t likely own but can’t get rid of in case they are ever needed again…
you take each of the items and try to decide if you can safely discard this one or that, and finding a home for the things you decide to keep.
The drawer is clean and organized now but then there’s that pile of “leftovers”… the stuff you don’t yet feel comfortable letting go of, but it doesn’t exactly fit neatly in any particular space. Hello feelings… many of which fit nicely in a box but it’s the pile of leftovers that I spend most of the time trying to figure out. What if I didn’t? What if I just left it on the counter and allowed myself the freedom to ignore it a while….?
…stop deciding exactly what we want…
Because, yeah… that’s worked out so freakin well for me in the past… Back in 1999, I knew exactly what I wanted… that bubble was burst 5 years later… Again in 2007, I thought I had it all figured out and knew “exactly” what I wanted and this time, I also knew exactly what I DIDN’T want… yep… 5 years later, well, you know.
And since the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…. well, clearly I need to let go of the idea that I know EXACTLY what I want… because how much wonder have I missed out on because what I thought I wanted didn’t match what was right in front of me… hmmm…
…and just see what happens.”
this last line makes me pause and take a deep breath… Oh sure, I talk about living in the moment… but in reality, I kinda suck at it. There are many other things I’m pretty damn good at but this whole idea of just waiting to see what unfolds? No so much… but what if I practiced? What if I made the effort to catch myself NOT enjoying the moment so that I could actively just wait and see…
seems to be a bit of a contradiction, but the planner in me is screaming “NO!!! MUST PLAN ALL THE THINGS” and the romantic in me is whispering “Take a chance and see”….
So the logic in me says the only answer I can honestly say…
“I’ll Try”
And that’s really the best any of us can hope for isn’t it?
Speak Your Mind