The dark and honest truth

I’ve been in hiding for a while… I couldn’t find my voice.  I had no clue what to say… I was at a loss for inspiration and was wallowing in a pit of dispair.  It happens to me from time to time… It’s like the Abilify commercials where the sadness just covers everything I am… everything I want… everything I see.  It’s like wearing a cloak that hides me from all the joy that is my life.

Those who know me through Twitter or Facebook or Pinterest or any of the other social mediums may have had no clue the depths of what I was dealing with… in truth I didn’t know what I was dealing with…at the time.  but I do now… I see things so clearly that I’m a bit frustrated with myself.  BUT – and this is important – I am NOT beating up on me.  I recognize where I was.  I recognize where I can easily slip back to.  I recognize that every single day I am in control of my life and feelings and can CHOOSE the kind of day I will have.  Empowering… and scary because that means there is no one to blame.

These last few days/weeks have been abundant in self analysis and discovery.  I share here because I can not hide anymore.  I share here because there is a remote chance that someone reading this blog will read these words at the exact moment they are needed.  I share because if you are feeling what I was, you need to know you are NOT alone.

I ran from anything good.  I pushed away things that made me happy somehow believing that I was undeserving of them… I sabbotoged my own efforts to put my life together.

I realized something about the past few weeks.  Things were going well… at work… with my family… with my personal life.  and then… and I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened… something changed.  Like my brain clicked and suddenly I was questioning whether or not I was worthy of such happiness.  I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop – waiting for the bottom to fall out…. Assuming that it would.  For all the talk I do about living in the moment and appreciating what “Is” I kept looking for what COULD happen… and as a self fulfilling prophecy, it did.

This is not about any one part of my life mind you – this is not about a failed relationship, a lost deal at work, a blow up with the family… it’s not about any external force in my world… it IS about me.

I’ve looked back at the last few months and something has become CRYSTAL Clear.  I lost me.  When things were going well, I was at a point in my world where I was strong.  I LOVED me.  I HONORED me.  I filled my existence with people places and things that brought me great joy because it was what I WANTED.  I was on Cloud 9.

And then… I forgot.  I forgot how strong I am.  I lost sight of the awesomeness that is me.  I started doing things because I thought it was what “they” wanted – settling on a deal at work because it was “expected” and not because I agreed or believed in… trying to “fix” sad friends and smothering them when they needed only acceptance and understanding…you get the idea… and over time, little compromises turned into big changes until the point that I didn’t even recognize myself.  That’s when the worst happened.  That’s when I didn’t want to get out of bed.  That’s when I despised going to work.  That’s when I started hiding from my friends and family.  That’s when I started clinging to other things – people… wine… oreos… whatever to fill the void that I created.

Guess what?  Nothing can fill the void except for me.  I created it in the first place by not honoring me.  That was a mistake I’ve made before… a few times… but one I am making a conscious effort not to make again.  I am me… unapologetically and without reserve.   I am not perfect.  I make mistakes.  But not listening to my heart was a mistake I choose to not make again.  In work…with family… with friends and perhaps even someday with a relationship – I must first honor me.

Seeing things so clearly has made the cloak of despair disappear as quickly as it arrived.  I am renewed with a sense of self.  I can again look in the mirror and tell the girl I see “I love you.  You are perfect.  You are remarkable.”  I can see myself as being worthy of happiness and strength.  I can feel my own power returning.  Much like my journey to healthy living, I’m on a journey to lose the baggage I’ve carried around for far too long.

The hardest part… losing the things that I thought were important.  I’ve lost a lot during this transition – some I will miss and some I am glad to be free of.  But what I’ve GAINED is so much stronger.  What I’ve gained is my own self respect and THAT is priceless.

During this process, I pushed away a friend I’ve known for YEARS.  Someone I felt close to… but someone who was genuinely toxic.  Someone who relished in my misery and someone I allowed to feed my insecurities.  And yet, I still called her a friend.

During this time, I lost a budding relationship that had potential.  Yes, I was sad about that too… but in truth, it became a mirror showing me the person I had become… and that weak and needy person is NOT who I choose to be.

During this time, I allowed those I work with to dictate my value.  No more.  I will not hide in a corner and pretend that I don’t know what I’m capable of.  I will stand strong and live life by MY rules…

Most of all, I will trust that the path I am on is the right one.  I will make a choice every day to NOT silence my voice.  I will continue to learn and seek answers about who I am and who I want to be.  Those who can accept that will remain… those who cannot will leave… and THAT is ok with me.

Mostly, because at the end of the day, the only one I have to impress is myself and I think I’m pretty amazing.

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Comments

  1. Christina says

    Shelley,
    Sorry you are having to go through this but you are amazing and you are strong. Be still in that knowledge!

  2. Thanks for sharing your story. It’s not always easy to put it out there, but you’re right – people will benefit.

    You are awesome! And I’m glad you know that. 🙂

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