April Showers

April showers bring may flowers… right?  I mean there has to be some good to come out of all the dreariness.

Only… I’m not talking about the weather here.

I’m talking about the overwhelming feeling of helplessness and hopelessness when you either deal with depression yourself or watch as someone you love and care for struggles with it.

The upside… or downside… of my current situation with the Giant is that I’ve been in his shoes.  I know what’s going on.  I “get it.”

When I left his father 10 years ago and suffered my nervous breakdown, it took a while to get back up.  I reminded my mom of this the other night and told her that it was my turn to help and support Giant the way she supported and helped me all those many years ago.  She cried.  She cried from relief that there’s a reason for the acting out.  She cried because she knows that it’s gonna be hell.  She cried because this will be the third time she goes through said hell.  First with my brother in his teen years… then with me ten years ago… and now with Giant.

It’s overwhelming.

I’d like to think that with all this experience we’d all be better, more understanding, slightly prepared for the road ahead. 

We aren’t.

It’s heart breaking to watch as someone is driving 90 miles per hour towards a brick wall and you are on the sidelines, unable to stop it… or throw a mattress in front of him to soften the blows.

It’s heartbreaking to hear someone who you think is awesome and wonderful and kind turn into someone who is angry and doesn’t care about anything at all.  Doesn’t care about being in trouble.  Doesn’t care if he hurts others.  Doesn’t care about himself.

It’s heartbreaking to learn that one of the people you love more than life itself just wants to disappear.

Now before you all start giving advice, let me assure you that we are working with countless counselors, Psychologists, and Psychiatrists.  We are working through these issues with professionals far more qualified than me.  That’s progress all on it’s own I think. 

I also know that at the end of the day though, I can’t fix this.  This boo-boo doesn’t need a band-aid and a kiss from mommy to make it all better.  This owie can’t be cured with cookies and milk and snuggles while we watch a movie together.  This time, my normally gentle giant has to make the change himself.  With the help of all of the resources I can find of course, but still he has to fix this.

And all I can do is hand him an umbrella and remember that even the worst of the April Showers don’t last forever.

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  1. No advice. Only love.

  2. I’ll keep y’all in my thoughts, sending you white light and well wishes. Giant has a great support team, and you are doing exactly what you should be doing. You’re a fantastic mother, and I hope you get some comfort, too.

  3. He’s lucky to have such a bad ass Mom. You may not know WTF you’re doing, but at least you’re aware enough to admit it and get help. That’s pretty effing awesome.

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