Preparing for battle without my magic wand

I have been dreading this day for months now. Facing your father in a battle where neither of us will likely bow out gracefully.

I have been preparing for this day for years now. I always knew there would come a day when you came to me and said you had enough… when your eyes saw him for who he is and not who we both have always wanted him to be.

I’m sorry.

I hate that you have to grow up so much more quickly than your peers.

I hate that you doubt your own self worth.

I’m sorry that I can’t wave my wand and make everything light and fun and filled with magic like the day we went to Disneyland when you were two…

I’m sorry that you had to learn the hard way that we are not perfect parents but strive to be worthy of you.

I’m sorry that your dad hasn’t lived up to that.

 I know that this hasn’t been easy on you as you navigate through the turbulent seas of adolescence. Choppy waters in the best of circumstances are insurmountable as you throw all the emotional chaos into the mix.

This battle is for you but rest assured – this is MY BATTLE to fight. Like the days when you first entered my world, it is still my job to protect you from the evil that exists. I will be the one donning my armor and readying myself for battle. It is my sword that will cut through the bullshit that he will likely spew. It is my shield that will cover you until such time that it is safe for you to come out.

Neither of us is fighting alone my dear son. We have an army behind us even when we can’t see them.

I want to remind you that you did nothing wrong and did nothing to cause your father’s angry outbursts. You are NOT a worthless idiot and his saying so never makes it true. You have made your share of mistakes and man… some of them were doozies but NONE excuse your father’s reactions. No one deserves to be humiliated, assaulted, emotionally abused or attacked.

You were so much stronger than I was 10 years ago. You stood up and said “I can’t do this anymore.” You stood strong and said “I deserve better than this.” You realized how staying would only serve to destroy your light faster. You were right.

I applaud you for your strength and from the moment you uttered those words, I steeled myself for what was about to surface. The battle where I try to speak reason and logic to a man who can’t hear anything past selfishness and finances. It’s as if I’ll be speaking a foreign language with our respective lawyers attempting to translate.

Our recent outing to see Cinderella keeps echoing in my brain. Not the parts that hit you right in the feels – the part where the king proclaimed to finally be the father that the prince deserves. No, I keep hearing the line about having the courage to be kind.

Courage does not mean ignoring the ugliness the world presents. Instead, in this case at least, I hear it as a mantra to remind myself that to speak truth with compassion. Have the courage to be kind.

To you… and not let anyone dictate what is best for you when you know what is and is not ok.

To myself… and not let fear grip my tongue as it has done so many times before.

To your father… yes, even he deserves kindness. To be filled with hate would not serve either of us my darling.

Courage to be kind…

It would be easier if I could find that damn fairy godmother but this is a battle I must fight without magic or pixie dust.

I don’t know what the outcome will look like… I don’t know if we will find that elusive common ground where your father and I put aside our own desires for what is best for you quickly or will drag this out for many more months or {gasp} years. I only know that I will fight the battle before me with determination and pride because you my dear one, are and always have been, worth it.

Most of all though… so am I.  and I am done believing anything less than that.