Introspective…

The last few days have been a whirlwind of epic proportions… (and not just because Leah (@bookieboo) is in Labor and I feel like an Expectant Auntie)

No… it’s been a bit of a whirlwind because I’ve allowed the opinions of others to affect my mood in a negative way.  I shouldn’t… I know this logically. but if you know me AT ALL – you know that I’m capable of logic but by and large?  I’m TOTALLY an emotional being…

The last few days I’ve been called a number of names and heard 3rd, 4th, 5th hand some pretty nasty stuff that no one has the balls ( or ovaries? in some cases) to say to my face.  This week I feel like I’ve had a shit-ton of stuff to deal with and been slapped around a LOT… (and for all you 50 shades readers, NOT in a good way- well… maybe that too but that’s a different kinda post and NOT what I’m talking about here so get your mind out of the Red Room)…

Where was I?  I got distracted… Oh yeah –  it’s not just ONE situation so if you are reading this thinking that I’m talking about YOU or a situation you are familiar with – Guess what?  Center of Universe – Not You.

When it rains it pours and quite frankly, I’m nearing a breaking point.  until… I remember just how fucking strong I really am. And luckily, I have a TON of you to remind me every single day.  Those of you who hear me say “I’m Fine” and know I’m not.  Those of you who see the tears I hide behind the smile.  I love you for that btw and someday,  I hope to remember to thank you by returning the favor…

And for those who read these words and think “OMG – I need to reach out!” or want to ask “Are you ok?”  KNOW THIS – I really am fine.  I know how to put on my big girl panties and deal.  You do NOT need to worry about me… in part, writing this is a form of therapy… not a plea for “feel sorry for me” or any of that nonsense.

Also – Know that this week hasn’t ALL been bad.  There have DEFINITELY been some really freakin fantastic moments and I appreciate those VERY very much… and hope I have shared my gratitude to those who were a part of those incredible moments as much more than the bitching….

But still… I took a step back and looked at some of the things being said about me and while some of you will leave loving comments intended to boost my spirits and cheer me up – things like “That is their issue” or “That’s not true at all” I know that perception is really what matters.  If someone perceives me in a certain light, I need to take stock of that because even when I don’t necessarily agree with them, their feelings and opinions have value.  just as mine do.

So, taking the opinions of others with a ginormous grain of salt…

I started thinking about the kind of person that I want to be… but also the kind of person I want others to see me as.  More importantly… the kind of person I want my boys to see me as and emulate in their own lives.

And then?…. I made a list. Cause lists rock… like slayer.

And then?…. I took a step back.  And realized that while I hit most of the items on my list… some need work.  yep.  I’m not perfect.  (SHOCKING)

And then?…. you know what else I realized?  I’m ok with my imperfections too.  And those around me who matter, they get me.

And then?… I saw this picture on Facebook… (Friend of a Friend kinda thing and since I am twice removed, I’m not giving her credit because, well, I don’t know her.  and I don’t know the original source so I can’t give proper credit but if YOU are the creator of this gem let me know so I can give you mad props)

And THEN?… you know what I discovered? that’s kinda what my list looks like… (not just about how I hope I treat a romantic partner when/if they come along – I hope to be these things to my friends… and mostly to myself)

• I want to be the kind of person who encourages others to achieve their goals.
• I try to support others when they have nothing left to give.
• I WILL push you harder than you think you can go because I believe in you and I see how amazing you are…even if you don’t.
• I aim to be the beacon of Positive energy that lights up the lives of those in my existence because the world is such a nicer place when we are all surrounded by rainbows and butterflies.
• I strive to “catch people” doing good things so I can shower them with sincere compliments and take time to really appreciate the little things.
• When you are down, I hope that I’m the kind of person who will reach a hand out to help you back to your feet instead of kicking you to make myself feel better.

And most of all…

I hope that I shower you with love when you are feeling most unloveable.

And then?… no.  no more “and then”.

Now I will say this to those who have helped me see this clarity with your negative thoughts and words.  To those who want me to play their petty games that would force me to stoop to their respective levels.  To those who take pleasure in tearing another person down in the delusional hope that tearing me down somehow builds you up.  That’s ok.  If that’s what you need right now, I’m glad I can be here to help.  Because I am strong enough to take it.  My shoulders can carry the burden you thrust my way.  And at the end of the day, when my head hits the pillow, I will wish only love and light on you.  Unfortunately, if you were hoping for my anger, your mission has failed because quite frankly, life is too short to be anything less.