How NOT to date – in 8 easy steps

For those who are happily married – CONGRATS.  Move along now.  Nothing to read here. (unless you need a chuckle or a reminder that having to pick up someone’s dirty socks EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. when they drop them five feet from the hamper isn’t really that big of a deal)

For those who stuck around, can we just say that Dating as an adult is STRANGE.  The rules have all changed and few even realize that there are rules.

Playing coy and aloof can be taken as bitchy.

Outgoing and gregarious can be seen as needy.

As you all know, I’ve had my ups and downs in the dating world since my last divorce and I have discovered some tips to guarantee you will NOT win at Online Dating.

I’d write a post about how TO win… but I haven’t quite figured that out yet.

Step 1:

Join one of the free dating sites.  There are DEFINITELY plenty to choose from – OK Cupid (ok stupid) and Plenty of Fish (Plenty of Fucktards) seem to be the most popular but don’t let that stop you.  Join them all.  Put your profile on as MANY sites as possible.  After all, it’s a numbers game.  Feel free to throw an ad up on Craigslist while you are at it.

Step 2:

Add your profile picture.  This is important – you have after all those 6 seconds to capture someone’s attention.  Do NOT use your REAL picture.  Heavan forbid!  Choose your favorite picture of yourself even if that picture is old, outdated, shows you sans wrinkles and 40 lbs ago.  Be sure to photoshop if needed because after all, you want to put your best foot forward… or, well, someone’s best foot forward.  As a last resort, feel free to just grab any old image of an attractive guy/girl off of Google Images.

Step 3:

Describe yourself honestly and completely.  Now delete all that. Scan a few of the ads for the members you are hoping to attract and pick out the most popular characteristics.  Mimic those in your profile.

When talking about what you are looking for, set ridiculously high standards.  I don’t mean that you require a partner to be gainfully employed or respectful to others.  Aim Higher.  Remember that movie with Sandra Bullock – Practical Magic – where she lists the characteristics of the man she’s going to love forever and it included things like “One blue eye and One green eye” and “Can flip flap jacks in the air” ?  Yep – that’s a good starting point.

Step 4:

Find someone who’s pictures are attractive?  Great!  Send them a message.  No need to read their profile or even be creative.  Just say HI and wait for the other person to carry the conversation.

Feeling a bit more adventurous?  Draft a vague message with flattery that will fit any situation and copy paste that to as many people as possible.

Did I mention it’s a numbers game?

Here’s a Sample.  You’re welcome.

Hi – I normally don’t write messages to people like you but I couldn’t help myself.  Your pictures are amazing and everything in your profile seemed to match my own heart.  Perhaps it’s destiny? Write back!

Step 5:

They respond – next up – ignore them.  Completely.  For at least a day or two.  To respond any sooner would give the impression that you are sitting around the house braiding your cat’s hair and watching re-runs of Real Housewives while pining away for the love of your life to miraculously knock on your door.  Even if you ARE doing that, you don’t want the other person to know it.  Pretend to have a life that keeps you so busy you barely have time to date, but you’d be willing to MAKE time for the RIGHT person.

Step 6:

Once you DO communicate with someone, be sure to only talk about superficial traits – specifically, if you are seeking women, be sure to ask them if they would be comfortable wearing a bikini on a beach or what their cup size is.  Seriously, they may protest at first, but you really are just being proactive.

The sooner you can bring up sex in the conversation the better.  No better way to win a mates heart than to make it clear that sex on a first date is expected.

Step 7:

Get frustrated by the whole idea of meeting someone online and delete all of your accounts.  After all, there are no real people on there anyway.

Step 8:

Wait 5 months or more…Stare at your empty container of Ben & Jerry’s… fight with the cat for the remote… realize there HAS to be more to life… repeat the process at Step 1.

Disclaimer: Now after reading that post, you may think I’m bitter.  I swear I’m not.  I am amused by the online dating masses and while I’ve had my share of chuckles, I’ve also made some great friends.  This post is in no way representative of ALL who use online dating – I know several people who have successfully met their mates this way.  It’s simply my “instructional” post for the Blog every day in May Challenge I mentioned yesterday.