Fears can be paralyzing…
On a small scale, that’s how I felt when I found this lovely critter in my kitchen the other night.
I stood there in the kitchen, unable to move… barely able to breathe… completely freaking out and texting those who would only silently judge me for my fear of an innocuous tarantula. Using all-caps so they knew the severity of my freak-out. I didn’t sleep well that night… constantly wondering how the HELL this creature managed to get into the house… into the kitchen… up the FREAKING WALL before being noticed and if tarantulas are the ninjas of spiders, where else might one be hiding?
When I regaled my boys with the tale and shared how I screamed like a little girl before handling the critter, I got the sarcastic slow clap from the giant… I wasn’t sure whether to be proud of him for his appropriate and timely use of the slow clap of sarcasm or insulted.
I’ve made no secret about some of my irrational fears here… We’ve talked about my fear of snakes and falling and spiders… in fact, this isn’t the first time a tarantula has graced this page… and yet…
Those things can usually be avoided. Â You can see those scary things coming usually… You can identify the monster and generally do something about it… that something might be running in the opposite direction screaming like a banshee, but it’s something.
The fears that are most paralyzing though are the ones we may not even realize we have… the baggage we’ve picked up along the way as we travel through this life… the fears that we aren’t yet ready to face and yet rear their ugly head and make us think we’re a bit on the crazy side.
These are the fears that can cause us grief and heartache in our relationships (romantic and otherwise) as we distance and pull away… to scared to get close… afraid that we’re going to make mistakes… afraid that we’ll get hurt again… terrified that the vulnerability that comes with trusting another human being is going to again bite us in the ass…
So we build our fortress. Â We wear our mask. Â We guard ourselves… never quite letting anyone completely in. Â Never stepping out of our comfort zone to take a chance. Â Steady in what’s comfortable even if we see something possibly good on the horizon. Â Afraid to feel… scared that we aren’t feeling… not sure which step to take or if we should take one at all. Reviewing every failed friendship, romance or relationship to try to determine where the road might lead… as if we had a crystal ball.
And yet… Life is not like a choose your own adventure book.  You can’t make the same choices and guarantee that you will get the same result any more than you can change you choices to guarantee a different one.  There are more factors than your choices and actions at play. There’s another person involved… And while we know this all logically, it doesn’t change the paralyzing fear that stops us in our tracks… and by “we” I probably just mean me.
Any sane person would scream at that spider!!!
I know what you mean about fears. There is so much in the world right now that can easily shut down optimism and hope. And I can want to close the door to the fortress but I am glad that you opened your door and shared with us.
XOXO
Traci