Effin’ Uterus

First of all – for my handful of male readers… this post may make you a little uncomfortable… you might want to just come on back tomorrow… or not. Whatever.

Today we are talking about Shark week.

Which reminds me of a funny story….

I was having a conversation with mom one evening and I said something about shark week. Mini-me was joining us and only heard those last 2 words. He got very VERY excited and before I realized my egregious error, began to wax poetically of his love for sharks, asking if we could set the DVR for some of the shows so he could watch them later…. oops. Sorry kiddo. Mom was… uh… just joking with Nana.
As a young girl, we all sit through those lovely videos that explain the changes the female body undergoes each month. I call bullshit. I never once dreamed of playing tennis in a pair of white shorts while my body revolted against me.

Here are a few things they may have forgotten to mention.

  • Tears. Over NOTHING.
  • Tears. Over EVERYTHING.
  • Every insecurity you’ve ever had? It’s about to get magnified for no reason at all
  • Eat. All. The. Chocolate.
  • Nothing will fit.
  • Mirrors will look like they should have come from a carnival fun house.
  • Your face WILL break out… even when you are in your mid thirties. {shut up. I’m still mid thirties for another month}
  • Every day is a bad hair day.
  • Everyone will piss you off.
  • Breathing will piss you off.
  • And then you will cry some more
  • People who care may ask what’s wrong. You won’t be able to tell them because you don’t have a fucking clue.
  • Coworkers may ask if you are feeling ok. Don’t stab them.
  • Did I mention the tears?
  • No matter how “in control” you are in your normal daily life, throw that shit out the window. You are not driving this roller coaster of emotions.
  • You are completely justified in a whipped cream shooter with your jar of nutella. Feel free to call this dinner… or breakfast.
  • Just when you think you are finally done with this round and wear your cute panties, that is the precise moment your body is gonna be all “Ha! Ha!  Just kidding.”
  • Mother Nature has a sense of humor.  How else do you explain the cycle synchronization that occurs between you and all of the women you are close to?  Because MORE angry, emotionally unstable women in one location is always a good plan.

Things NOT to say to someone surfing the crimson wave.

  • “You look tired.”
  • “Why are you crying?”
  • “What’s the matter?”
  • “Are you on your period?”
  • “Why are you acting so crazy?”
  • “Is it that time of the month again?”
  • “You’re being completely irrational.”
  • “WTF is wrong with you.”
  • “Why are you so hormonal?”
  • “You’re overreacting.”
  • “No really – tell me what you are thinking.”

Safe things to say {maybe}

  • “You’re so pretty.”
  • “I’m lucky to have you in my world”
  • “I can’t imagine my life being better than it is with you”
  • “Can I pour you some more wine?”
  • “Can we just cuddle?”
  • “Anything you want to do is fine.”
  • “No – I was wrong.”
  • “I think that’s a completely understandable way to feel”
  • “Of course I agree”
  • “I understand”
  • “I’m sorry”

And one final note… sometimes we know we are acting crazy, emotional, bitchy, insecure, irrational…all rolled into one happy little package of insane.  Sometimes, we’ll even apologize for said bad behavior.  If and when that happens, it’s safe to assume that the crazy is on it’s way out and sunshiny days are likely to return soon.  For now.


Axis of Ineptitude

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  2. I have a friend who is like this, to a T. I talk her down nearly every month as she flips out about her boyfriend or something else. She knows she’s doing it and knows she’s nuts, but keeps right on going. 🙂

    I, however, am rarely like this at all. I break out. I want chocolate and carbs and that’s about it. *ducks while throwing chocolate at the other women*

  3. Well stated. Huzzah.

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