I know that looking out my window right now, I still see winter. There is no “Spring” in sight… especially with the DRASTIC temperature fluctuation slated for today and a possible “Ice delay” tomorrow morning….
Even still… I’m feeling the urge to start my annual spring cleaning…
I always start with my closet. Always. “It’s the easiest” I tell myself. “it won’t take long.” I’m always wrong and end up devoting the better part of a Saturday to the task. Taking out the clothes that I once loved so much that I spent my limited hard earned money to buy… Some outfits purchased with a specific event or activity in mind…
The multitude of “first date” outfits that were likely worn once and then relegated to the back of the closet to avoid reminding myself that so many first dates never went further…
Outfits worn on second dates and beyond that made me once feel beautiful… but now hold a twinge of another opportunity lost…
Interview dresses reminding me that soon it will be time to make another change in my world. Not now though… too much at stake to tackle another change that could upset the apple cart.
The outfits I bought for the kids school events because I needed to feel empowered, knowing I’d be face to face with their dad and his mere presence makes stifled anger and disgust bubble to the surface whether I like it or not. Even still. Even after 10 years of finding myself… I’m always frustrated with myself for still feeling this way… and then have to remind myself to be patient.
There are pairs of jeans in so many sizes… my “fat jeans”… My “damn I look good” jeans… my “normal” jeans… and the “someday I’ll wear these again” jeans. I can’t bring myself to get rid of any of them… justifying their presence like a pro.
I look longingly at the collection of capris just BEGGING for more spring-like weather so that we can, again, be united. Soon my dear friends. Soon we will be together.
Way back in the darkest corners of the closet are the dresses that mark amazing events from my past… I’ll never again wear these of course… no reason to… but they make me smile. Even though I’ll never pass them to a daughter, they are the tangible expressions of memories and that makes their presence a necessity… The dress I wore to a special Ceremony for my now-deceased grandmother {when I was 12}… The costume I wore when I competed in ballroom dance {when I was 13}… the dress I wore to my first prom {15 people… the same age as my Giant now… what the HELL was mom thinking?!?}… The dress I wore to my Jr Prom…
I lie and say that maybe I’ll wear that one again… It’s long and sleek and black sequins to the floor with a halter style neckline that always makes “the girls” look amazing and a slit farther up the thigh than I should have been allowed to sport at the ripe age of 17…
“It’s timeless” I think…
“It’s six sizes too small” I remind myself…
Everything is out of my closet now and I slowly make the hard decisions… What stays… what goes. I lovingly organize the top shelf of the closet – my yarn and nail polish collections that lately, simply remind me of a time when I had so many hours to spare… now those hours are filled with Biology and Geography and English and Geometry homework… and laughing and fighting and crying and talking and silence and celebrating with my giant… sometimes all in the same evening.
Farthest back I replace my memories to their place of honor…not in a box hidden in storage, but right here where I can catch a glimpse of those times. I smile at the life I’ve lived… even the hard times… they all shaped me into who I am… who I am still becoming…
And then… all the “regular” clothes organized so that on the mad dash mornings I can again find what I need in my half asleep, pre-coffee haze. Dresses, skirts, and pants on one side. Sweaters, blouses, t-shirts on the other. Not everything makes the cut though and the pile of clothes set for donation builds and the empty hangers in the closet compel me to consider a shopping trip…
I know my closet won’t stay like this forever but for now, it’s organized and filled with only the things I love. If only life were as easy to clean up.
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