Blue and Yellow

Lately it seems like this blog has been overrun by tales of the teen… which is appropriate since my LIFE has been overrun with tales from the teen. I’m not complaining… all the time… but this roller coaster has been rough.

Change is rarely easy. It’s almost always worth it.

The same is true for my Giant.

For the last few weeks, there has been acting out in ways that were so ugly I didn’t recognize my child. I knew there was something wrong but I had no idea what that was.

Did he regret his decision to move in with me full time? Would he rather live with his Dad where life was dangerous and chaotic but predictable? Was I failing him in some way?

He was angry ALL THE TIME… mostly at me… but taking his anger out on his Nana and Padad and brother… and that kid at school which resulted in another school suspension…

He had given up on everything and didn’t care about anything.

Correction… he HAS given up on everything and still doesn’t care about anything.

As a parent, that might be up there with the worst feelings in the world… watching your child suffer and completely unable to help him in any way.

I’ve struggled with depression myself so I wasn’t surprised when that was the official diagnosis. It’s not blue really… more like black… but since today’s prompt is Blue and yellow… well, I’m taking some artistic license.

There are still, on rare occasions, hints of yellow. The smiling sunshine my Giant exudes… usually when he’s building something or chopping down trees or some other manual labor type job that would make me shudder but fills him with purpose.

These brief glimpses are what keep me going when the other moments of blue are so painful.

But are they really yellow moments? Happiness is so elusive when you are cloaked by the monster that is depression. Those suffering, tend to pretend more than the average person so I’m never quite sure if it’s real or Memorex. I know I did anyway. I pretended to be happy for the sake of those who loved me. It was exhausting, but it made things easier for those helping me through… at least that’s how I justified.

There’s something to be said for “Fake it till you Make it” and “Act as if.” At least to some degree…

Now I’m having to look back at the months and years that were the blackest of blacks for me… I’m hoping that by remembering how I was, maybe I can find purpose. Maybe it was designed so that I could better help my Giant navigate these murky waters. Or maybe I’m just justifying things because that’s what I do.

All I know is that with information comes relief. Knowing why he’s acting out in such hateful and ugly ways… knowing that I’m not just making excuses for my teen because I love him… knowing that we can work together to help him to find more yellow than blue with the help of continued therapy and yes, medication.

Giant is old enough to be allowed to be part of the decision making here too. He and I talked about medication and what it could mean. Some have warned about the Dr’s being too “Med Happy” and I’m not about to turn my kiddo into a walking pharmacy or zombie, but, as the Dr. patiently explained to Giant, “you wouldn’t try to build a house with just your bare hands… you need a hammer at least. That’s what medication is. You still have to do the work and it will still be hard, but you’ll have a tool to help you.” In the end, he decided that this is the route he wants to take and I support him. I think he too was relieved that there was a reason he was feeling so out of control and lost.

Information is powerful and when the monster has a name, it’s a little less scary.

It’s still not easy… and this is going to be a long and bumpy ride… but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. There’s hope for brighter yellow sunshiny days ahead.


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  1. You need a hammer at least — pretty smart doctor. You have the info so now you have a starting place. Hugs for the blue and hoping for more yellow.

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