I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day… and what I really hear

valentines day for dummies - Slightly off KilterI had a conversation with a gentleman I’ve been spending time with here and there.  {I’m not going to say we’re dating because well, Are we?  I don’t know.  And I don’t know that I’m ready to attach a label on it so just go with me on this} Somehow, the conversation led to Valentine’s Day when he busts out with

“Yeah.  I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day.  It’s just a holiday created by Hallmark.”

Well… alrighty then.

Here’s the thing… because I have no expectations on where we are in the “dating” game {see my note above} I also have NO expectations about tomorrow.  I had no delusions that I will be showered in flowers and chocolates or even a card to commemorate the occasion .. and yet, that one simple statement tugged at my heartstrings like it has so many times before.  You see, he’s not the first to utter those words.

In fact, with the exception of ex-hubby #2 and a high school boyfriend, I’ve heard that line or a variation of it from every guy I’ve dated {or married – shush}.

I don’t hear “I don’t want to commercialize our relationship because of a date on the calendar” I don’t even hear “I’m not comfortable with touchy feely emotions and stuff” … I don’t even hear “I’m an emotional cripple who is terrified that if I show even the slightest emotion I’ll become vulnerable” Nope.  Those words say one thing to me…

“You aren’t important enough for me to step out of my comfort zone to make you feel special”

That’s a sucky ass feeling to have now isn’t it.  And I know that my readership is predominantly women so I’m prolly preaching to the choir but can I get an AMEN?

Should you feel FORCED to express your love and adoration for the woman {or guy} in your life?  Of course not… but if you truly care for someone, why WOULDN’T you want them to feel appreciated and special?

I’m not talking grand gestures here… I’m not saying that every guy in a relationship should hire marriachi bands to serenade their ladies with whatever “Their song” is… I’m saying be real.  Be genuine.

Maybe though, they are emotional cripples and need some help coming up with ideas for valentines that aren’t the typical candy, flowers, jewelry… Maybe that’s the crux of the issue…

  1. Write her a letter.  It doesn’t have to be the work of Shakespeare here.  Just be honest and tell her a few things you appreciate… Looking for bonus points? spread the love out – leave a note on her car, send her an email, have a note for her when she gets home.
  2. Be kids again.  Head out to do something unexpected – play putt putt golf or go bowling.  Something that allows you two to spend time together and laugh.  Plus you get bonus points for planning ahead and so many focus on fancy restaurants that you might even be blessed with crowd-less venues.
  3. Roses are Red, Violets are blue but BACON is delicious! Why not make her a bouquet of Bacon Roses?
  4. Give her something she’s been wanting – Is she on her phone ALL THE TIME?  How about a charging phone case to give her battery an extra boost?  Is she crafty?  What about a gift card to her favorite craft supply shop?  You get bonus points for (a) noticing and (b) being thoughtful
  5. Join her in one of HER hobbies. Does she like to paint?  Take a class together at Painting with a Twist.  Is Dancing more her thing?  Take a class together.  Is Music more her thing?  Find a unique venue for an evening out to listen to music she loves. Is she into Yoga?  Take a class together!
  6. Pamper her.  WITHOUT expectations.  Rub her shoulders, have candlelight and music playing when she gets home. Put together an at home spa experience- sented candles, Grab a loofah, body lotion and bubble bath from Bath and body works.  If you have the candles burning and the bath drawn when she gets home, even better.
  7. Role reversal – If she’s the one that usually makes dinner, reverse the roles for one night and if you can’t cook order her favorite take out.
  8. Flowers are still good but NOT always roses.  You need to know your girl here – or know your flowers!  Did you know that flowers have meanings? Imagine her surprise if you handed her a bouquet and told her WHY you picked the flowers you did.
  9. Pick up a movie for her and watch it together – Pick something that you know SHE would like that maybe you might normally groan over.  Set up the bedroom or living room with extra pillows to make it more cuddle friendly, have popcorn at the ready.  If she’s been hounding you about watching The Notebook – now’s the time to give in.  It’ll be ok.  You WILL survive.
  10. Time – put the phones and computers away and just spend time together.  Listen to each other without external distractions.  After all, if you don’t like to be in her company, what the heck are you doing together in the first place?

As for my friend and our conversation last night… the words that came out of my mouth were “Hmmm… That’s interesting.” and then the subject was changed…

All the while, in my head I’m thinking:



  1. So here’s my funny story – my husband’s parents don’t get gifts for each other. Not for Valentine’s Day, not for Christmas, not even for their anniversary (on Christmas Eve). So at the beginning of our relationship, we sort of decided to do the same. And by we, I mean, he said he liked to do that and I said …. ok…. but I like to get stuff…. and we didn’t talk about it much after that. Since then, almost every year he surprises me with a gift for those occasions, or we we pick something to get together (like a digital camera or video camera, you know, a bigger gift). So this year, as I was giving Valentine’s Day gifts to our kids and my sister-in-law, he was telling her about our philosophy. And then I gave him his present 🙂 It made me giggle. He was all, “Oh, we don’t do that… wait, what’s this?” It was cute. This morning I woke up to find a letter on the table from him. It’s really all we need, ya know? A simple letter, written by our man is WAY better than him grabbing the first card he sees on a display. I’m just sayin.

  2. Jessica Fiumara says

    That’s true. Also, I just read over my comment, and I sounded really bratty. I didn’t mean it to. Lol

  3. Jessica Fiumara says

    I must be in the minority, because I don’t give a rat’s ass about Valentine’s Day. Of course, I don’t like crappy chocolate, we go out for nice dinners whenever we want to, and I don’t wear jewelry. But I don’t think that would change my mind.
    However, I have no problems with the holiday if others enjoy it, go nuts! But I don’t expect anything special on that day, it’s just a Thursday. I feel much more special when the hubby brings me treats or does special things when I’m not expecting it, and especially when he doesn’t feel like he is forced to do it. C’est la vie!

  4. So much this. I have broken up with dudes over Valentine’s Day. They’re all, “Oh are you so insecure you need this day?” and I was all, “No, but if you cop out when it’s a $5 piece of shit from Walgreen’s then what the fuck are you gonna cop out on when we’re MARRIED. I mean, it doesn’t get better after the I do, it gets dirtier, lazier, and more boring.” Because dating is like the best-case-scenario. Also, if a dude doesn’t have a better explanation than one that includes the word “Hallmark” … cause if you know what a Hallmark card is then YOU BOUGHT ONE or you’re just verbally pooing out some media b.s. and that’s just as bad as buying into the media b.s. of valentine’s day and if both of those are just giving in then you are prioritizing the television over me. Also, if we’re just not celebrating commercialized holidays you BETTER NOT be celebrating Christmas until whenever Jesus was born (August or some such nonesense), Halloween, or any other holiday because they’re ALL commercialized and hyped by Hallmark and the media to be oodles of poodles more than they should be. All men who start this battle should DIE on this hill. (Not literally die, figuratively, of course.)

    It’s a hot button issue for me. My husband may have forgotten about VD but by god he’s never even thought about not smiling at me and giving me a good kiss when I remind him. That’s all I need.

    I did not intend to be that ranty. It just got all DAAAAAAAMN GURRRRRRL. But if he’s teachable it’s all good. So it’s not like I’m trying to make you make decisions about that mistaken one liner. LOL

    • OMG DECKI! I love you! Seriously! and I love that rant! And while I’m not making decisions based on a flippant one-liner it didn’t score any points in my book either!

    bacon bouquets? YES, PLEASE! what, i guy can’t wish for something on Valentine’s Day (besides the above mentioned…well…)?

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