Darkness falls

You know that moment when everything is going really well. Life is good. You are happy… and then… for absolutely no reason whatsoever, you just aren’t… Nothing happened. Nothing you can put your finger on anyway, but all the same you are just overwhelmed with the tears. about all the things. and about nothing at all.

This past weekend that happened… and I hate it because I was in the middle of a totally, completely perfect day when suddenly I became overwhelmed with the crazy. Normally I can calm my own insanity without sucking others down that rabbit hole with me. Most of you wouldn’t even know that’s where I’m at when we are together because the masks are that well made. I’ve learned over the years how to shield those I love from my sadness and struggle but this time? I couldn’t… I didn’t… oops.

In the blink of an eye things went from “I’ve got this under control” to “Holy fucking shit what is wrong with me” and the poor friend I was with at the time took the brunt of my crazy. I’m sorry for that but I won’t apologize for anything I’m feeling. I learned that lesson a long time ago. My feelings – no matter how insane, idiotic, crazy they may appear… well, they are valid and real for me and to dismiss them is to dismiss a part of who I am… at least who I am in that moment.

Nothing happened to bring this on. I think that’s what makes it even more confusing. There was no trigger I can point to. No one did anything to cause me to feel the way I’m feeling. Nothing and no one in my world is to blame…

That doesn’t change how I feel though. And to put into words what I feel is near impossible… even for me who uses all the words to talk about all the feelings…. unloveable… broken… imperfect… desperate… lost. Those are close but not quite it either. I’m seeing flashes of past experiences that are repeating themselves. Clearly the universe is reminding me that there is growth and lessons still to learn…


How is it even possible to have so many surround you with love that you can’t accept. It’s like that feeling of being in a crowded room and feeling completely alone. It’s like being thirsty and seeing the glass of water in arm’s reach but being unable to reach for the glass. It’s like being famished, sitting at a king’s feast – able to see and smell and even touch the food lain before you but unable to eat.

If you’re reading this, you are likely thinking all kinds of positive things about me that I can’t hear… even if you typed the words or stood in front of me and screamed them at me. I love you for that.

I know this will pass and I will do the work to sort it all out on my own because this is nothing that any one else can do for me. I have to do the work. I have to sort through the feelings of inadequacy and struggle to make sense of the chaos so that I can resume as bright-side susie sunshine… but I never promised to be that girl all the time and if I only share the good on here, then I’m not exactly being real now am I? Loving me means all of me… even the dark parts that are uncomfortable.

I know I’m strong enough to find my true self on the other side because I’ve been here before.

I know I won’t let this become my normal because I’ve lived there and it almost took me out. I won’t let it get that far.

I also know that the only way to sort through the internal turmoil is to look within. find truth. dismiss all that is false. And that kind of work? The kind where you have to really look at yourself and make decisions about the person you want to be? It can be painful. It’s so much easier to blame others for how you are feeling, acting, being…

I’m ok. You don’t need to worry. I just needed to explain why you might feel my silence a bit more than normal.

I could lie and blame the holiday rush. I could tell you that there’s just so much going on in my world I haven’t had the time to find my words. I could make up just about anything or nothing at all and ignore this chapter altogether, but we don’t have that kind of friendship, now do we?


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