I wish…

I mentioned the other day that I’m a bit naive… (Captain Obvious reporting for duty)

As such – yes.  I make wishes… a lot… on stars of course – shooting and the first star (and don’t tell me I’m wishing on a planet) and birthday candles… and when the clock strikes 11:11… and on dandelions… and wish bones… and eyelashes… and… well, you get the idea.  I’m a wisher and dreamer and yes, so so childlike in this respect.

wishI don’t plan on changing that by the way.  I like that part of me just like I like all the dark and dreary parts of me… Makes me think of a quote from Silver Linings Playbook...

There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?

I wish for different things of course… depending on the situation… depending on my current head space… Depending on what I’m faced with in any given moment…

Was having a convo last night with a friend about relationships…  and he painted this mental image of a notebook where one party to the relationship records all of the mistakes and annoyances they have with the other party to the relationship and when you get to the point where you are on the last line of the last page, you’re done.  There’s no recovering at that point.  No matter how hard the other person tries, it’s never going to be enough to make up for the entire book of issues…

And what I said in that moment was how I wish that in that little notebook of mistakes, wouldn’t it be nice if when you got to the halfway point, you either HAD to tell the other person all of the entries, or like magic in a Harry Potter novel, the ink disappeared and everyone was back at a blank slate?

Easier said than done of course…

I got to thinking about that convo as I tossed and turned last night… having been on both sides of that little notebook of grievances…

I remember feeling completely blindsided when all of my faults and flaws were held up in front of me during a tirade with Ex1… completely bewildered that all of these little things had brought us to where we were… past the point of recovery… made to feel as though I was the one completely at fault and an utter failure of a person… Ex2 tried that as an excuse for his infidelity as well, but I knew better the second time around…

I remember too the look of astonishment when I held up my book of grievances to another past partner who appeared completely clueless and shocked.  In that moment I felt guilty for not bringing up the small stuff before it snowballed…

Both suck by the way.

It doesn’t matter which side of the book of grievances you fall, it sucks.

And then I looked at where I am now… the person I’ve become over the last few years… the people who have earned a spot in my life and who honor me with a spot in theirs.

I don’t think I’m the same as I once was, but I still find myself holding back from saying things because I don’t want to hurt feelings… and then when I AM honest, someone gets hurt… probably because I held back for so long.  Or I hold back because I fear that the words I want to express will be rejected in some way so I bury them and try to pretend they don’t exist… they don’t matter… they aren’t real.

And I wish that it was somehow easier to truly speak from the heart…  because sometimes, even I am at a loss for words.

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