Whirlwinds and M&Ms

This week has been a jumble.  The end of the school year always is what with belt ceremonies for Kick Start, Spring Choir Concerts, swim banquets, etc.  Add into the mix a slew of Dr’s appointments for my giant and suddenly, we’ve had something Every. Single. Night.

And I’ve had to see Giant’s dad Every. Single. Night. too… 

Which makes me overly emotional and tired.  And feeling like my tank is running on fumes.  

m&msWhich may explain why I’ve taken to organizing my emergency m&m’s by color.

After 10 years of being divorced from Giant’s dad, you might think that I’d be “over it.”  And for the most part I am… I have no more anger about the things that happened during the years we were married.  I am not bitter about the way things ended and am actually thankful for the experiences.  As horrid as those years were, I wouldn’t have my sons without them.  More than that though, I’m so much stronger now, having been through the blackest of blacks than I was when he and I married.  So much so that those who knew me before wouldn’t recognize me now… I don’t recognize who I was then to be honest.

What frustrates me is how my giant is affected.  He remembers those years.  He has to battle between loving his dad… the man he wants his dad to be… the dad that he deserves… and hating the man his dad truly is.  That’s tough for a lot of adults to reconcile let alone a 15 year old.  

He’s stronger than he gives himself credit for.  He’s struggling, yes, but he’s also making some huge strides.  

We’re coming down to – what I hope – is the homestretch… provided someone {not me} doesn’t delay things and actually honors the agreement we came to back in March.  I’m not terribly optimistic but hopeful.  Even the psychologist we’re working with agrees that to continue to draw out the litigation would not serve my Giant.  

But every day this week I’ve had to face my own monster… wondering if I will finally say the things that need to be said {I did}… wondering if it will piss him off more {yep.  Did that too}… Wondering why it’s so hard to breathe with him around {apparently disgust to me smells like mildew}… wondering if I’m really strong enough or if it’s all just an act {I am.  It’s not}

It’s been a long week.  I’m thankful it’s Friday and tomorrow we get to celebrate my Daddy’s birthday.  It makes me so very thankful not just that I have such an amazing man in my life, but so does my mini and especially right now, so does my Giant.  

BoysI can’t imagine not having the relationship my dad and I have.  We’ve grown closer over the years and I’m forever thankful for that.  He’s gotten used to my semi-random tears and frustrations.  He’s listened even while pretending to surf the net as I recount the journey to my mom who can’t answer a phone if it’s not on speaker.  His patience and calm presence reassures me as we gab about nothing in particular in the car or during dinner.  I don’t know what other father/daughter relationships look like, but I love ours.  He’s supportive in so many wonderful ways – all the while knowing I’m stronger than most and more capable than he wants to give me credit for.

It’s bittersweet though – feeling so very blessed by the amazing man I’m lucky enough to call Daddy, mixed with the heartache for my son who will likely never know what a relationship like this feels like.

I wonder if living with my parents is harder on my Giant because of that… seeing all that we share and the way our house works can’t help but highlight the inadequacies in his former home.

I can’t help him with this though… I can provide love and direction and that’s about it.  I can manage his schedule and talk with his teachers and principals.  I can organize his appointments so that he’s not overwhelmed on any give day.  I can give him the opportunity to sleep as much as possible to help with the healing process.  But he’s the only one who can do the work to get through this and come out stronger on the other side.  I know that better than most…. because I already did that.

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