The voices in our heads

There has been more than one occasion where I share the voices in our heads… Usually it’s about emotion stuff but tonight, as I sit here not wanting to cook the “planned” dinner but fighting off the voices that can be disastrous instead. 

For those that know me, I’m at the point in my weight loss journey where I want to give up. Don’t worry… I’m not… I’m making good progress…

  
But I feel the old familiar demons creeping in. 

I shared on Facebook just a moment ago the following:

Emotionally trying day… Need to fix a healthy dinner anyway. In my mind, I’m having the battle that is all too familiar. The voice that tells me that I should just order a pizza and say F it. Just grab the giant and run to Sonic… To hell with dinner, gorge on chocolate cake and coffee ice cream because that will soothe the hurt feelings from the day. It would be quicker after all. That voice is the one that I’ve listened to for years. That voice is loud and obnoxious. That voice is hard to ignore. That voice is a liar and an asshole. 

But there’s a new voice. Softer and quieter that reminds me how far I’ve come. A new voice that gently reminds me how much further I have to go before I reach my goals. A new voice that tells me how just one bad choice can snowball into the circle of giving up… A new voice that reminds me how much more energy I have when I’m on plan. A new voice that reminds me that this is a marathon of small choices, moment by moment and I’m winning. 

I’m going to listen to the new voice but even behind all of the exciting weight loss posts I share, it’s not easy. It’s never easy. It’s just worth it. #medifastTexas

As with most things on Facebook, there’s more to the story than just what gets posted. I’ve always been transparent here and don’t plan on stopping now. 

One of the things that has hindered my weight loss and healthier living goals in the past is a feeling of being unworthy. A fear of success. That fear sounds silly to those who aren’t familiar with it but for those who have a frame of reference, it’s real. 

It’s a fear that has affected more than just the numbers on the scale… I’m sure if I look hard enough, I can see how I’ve sabotaged relationships, hindered career advancement, and allowed the loud obnoxious liar of a voice to penetrate multiple areas of my life. 

  
At the end of the day… The long, emotionally exhausting day where feelings were hurt and tears were held back… I hear my own words echoing. Words that I say to my Giant… Words I say to my staff… Words that I need to say to myself. 

I have a choice. It may not be a choice I like, but I have a choice. 

I could choose to listen to the loud and obnoxious voice in my head… The one that wants to buy a whole cake from the HEB bakery and eat THAT for dinner… Which I will then feel guilty for… And it will zap my energy…. And it will show on the scale. Or, I can choose to get off my ass and make a meal that will take me one step closer to my goal. Moment by moment. Step by step. 

It’s not easy. Although, Medifast DOES make it easier. For 5 meals a day I don’t even think about it. Which is awesome considering all the other crap weighing on my mind. So one meal I’m cooking. One. It’s still not always easy. It IS worth it though at the end of the day. 

So far, I’ve managed to lose 15.5 lbs. as of the last measurements taken, I’ve lost 14 inches. It’s not a difference I can see when I look in the mirror though. I have a hard time believing people who compliment my efforts and tell me that they see it. I often wonder for a moment if they REALLY see a difference or if they just want to encourage me and know how hard I’m working on it. Then I remember that my friends don’t placate me so the doubt sorta passes. 

I’m grateful for more than just the convenience of the Medifast plan though. I’m thankful for the accountability and friendship that my weekly visits have created for me. I adore the ladies at the Round Rock office. They genuinely care about my success. They celebrate with my losses. They encourage that week (last week) when I gained 1/2 a lb because I went off the reservation strayed from plan. I know that they are a large part of my success has to do with their support. 

15.5 pounds lost. 71lbs to go. And nine more months until I turn 40. I know I can do it because I’m not doing it alone. 

Ok… And those words about choice aren’t really mine…