Pants on fire…

A dear friend posted on the book of face yesterday asking her peeps “When is it ok to lie?”

Now, y’all know that I’m like Quick Draw McGraw when it comes to responding on Facebook but this time I was struck with a moment of uncertainty…

When IS it ok to lie?

Is it ever?

I mean I’ve posted about being impeccable with your word and that is still something I strive for… but I also know I can be honest to a fault…

And that’s not exactly a quality appreciated by all…

reason #4327819 why I might be still single…

So…. first of all, I’m curious where y’all would weigh in on this?

Second, because this is my corner of the world and I get to make the rules, I’m gonna share some of my thoughts… because I can…

One comment was “If the pants I love make my ass look big” – Nope.  not ok to lie… because if I ASK your opinion, I trust you will give me an honest one.  If I can’t handle the truth, I shouldn’t ask.  Period. {Unsolicited opinions are a different can of ballgames}

And yes, it sucks when you get answers to questions you don’t like… and I’ve had my fair share for sure… but if you can’t handle the truth, don’t ask.  If you are fishing for reassurance, state that.  Trust that your partner respects you enough to be compassionate… and if they aren’t, why are you expecting something different from them?

Hurt me with the truth but never comfort me with a lie

Other comments on the facebook post could lead you to believe that it is ok to lie to spare someone’s feelings… you know, those innocent white lies – “that is such a cute baby” or “this meal tastes delish!” Again, I disagree… if I made a meal that was not tasty, I’d rather know… especially if I worked my ass off to make it.  Because lord knows I am not going to go to all that effort again for something you don’t like! (assuming of course I made it for someone other than me. )

I think the thing with dishonesty for me… and this is true whether I’m talking about a romantic partner or a friendship or other relationship… There are two cornerstones I HAVE to have… I have to have respect and I have to have trust.  If either of those falls short, the relationship will be short lived.  Speaking of friendships, if I can’t trust you to be honest with me, then do we really have a friendship?

Oh sure, there are a ton of “social media friends” and “acquaintances” in my world but those aren’t really the same right?  I’m talking about those relationships where time and energy is invested… those are the ones I really mean…

so I’ve shared a few cases where I’m weird it’s not ok to lie… How about some times when it IS ok to lie?

(1) Anytime I preface a question with “Please lie to me if you have to” – And yes, I’ve said this on more than one occasion.  This alerts the other party to the conversation that it is not so much a question as it is a need for reassurance.  Likewise, I’ll more often than not give you permission to be completely honest when I’m asking a question that feels like a bit of a trap…

behonest

(2) Life or death situations.  – Like, you are being held hostage by someone against your will?  LIE LIE LIE LIE your ass off if it will help keep you safe…

(3) When to tell the truth RIGHT NOW would ruin a great surprise… but eventually you have to tell the truth.

“No I’m NOT getting you an iPod for Christmas – that is ridiculous.”

Or…

“Let’s just have a quiet dinner for your brithday” {as a cover for the surprise birthday party you are throwing for someone who really loves surprises.  Not me btw.  Not ever.}

(4) When you want your child to believe in fairy tales.  I still think it’s ok to lie here… I may be in the minority…

That’s kinda all I could come up with… Seriously.

Now, I mentioned this before but I think it deserves some air time… Honesty is NEVER EVER EVER a reason to be hurtful or cruel.  EVER.

If You ask me if the pants make your ass look big, I’m NOT going to lie… but I’m also not gonna be a complete bitch about it.  If you try, you can find something truthful to say, or can find a gentle way to tell the truth.  So, instead of “Bitch your ass is already huge and those pants make your ass look like it needs it’s own zip code” I might opt for “The color is good but the texture of the fabric isn’t flattering.” or “I’m not a fan of patterned leggings so I’m not the best person to answer that…” Truth without cunty-ness.

If someone I care about shows up in an outfit that is less than flattering, I’d rather opt for the “Thumper Philosophy”

Oh! a few final points to consider…

adding in a “Just being honest” does not eliminate the hateful, hurtful thing you just said… so again, Honesty does not give you carte blanche to be a dick.

Also –

Silence IS an answer… it may not be the answer you wanted, but it is an answer.  If someone doesn’t notice the new outfit or rave about the meal you slaved over, yes, they could be oblivious but far more likely is that they just don’t have anything nice to say.  Let then stay comfortable in their silence unless you preface your question with “please lie to me”

Finally –

Lies by omission still count… “forgetting” to tell someone something that they would be upset by is still a lie… no one should have to play 20 questions to get the truth… #saidfromexperience

What am I missing?  When do you think it’s ok to lie?

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Comments

  1. It is OK, in fact, a prerequisite, to lie if you are running for elected office! (bad joke)
    It is OK when the truth will destroy the hearing party needlessly and serve no purpose.
    (Example: if you did something 20 years ago that was bad…if questions come up about it, deflect. Why rub scabs off an old wound?)
    It is OK to lie to assuage the pain of someone that just buried a loved one.
    (Example: Uncle LeeRoy was a true asshole…but if he just died, you have to tell his family what a great guy he was and that he’s in a better place now…..EVERYONE knows LeeRoy is burning in hell because he was an asshole but why say it….LIE!
    I agree with the ones you’ve listed…..do you agree with mine? 🙂 (It’s OK to lie to me on this….LOL!!!!)

    • Ok, I’ll give you credit for the politician prerequisite… and maybe the second one but I’m on the fence here… How do you KNOW that the truth will serve no purpose? Sometimes people NEED the truth to make decisions and lieing is telling the other person “I don’t trust you enough to tell you the truth” and yes, it sucks if you’ve been lying for 20 years to have to be honest…

      I kinda have to disagree with the last one too – yes, in your example, if Uncle Leroy was an ass, you don’t want to be that blunt, but are you telling me that there’s NOTHING positive you could say and still be honest? If that’s the case, then a simple “I’m sorry for your loss” would be a way around the brutal honesty… just sayin’

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