They say that the only thing constant is change and while I don’t exactly know who “THEY” are… they are right. We are always growing and changing and evolving and don’t always even realize it until we look back.
I posted the other day about going into battle with regard to my Giant and the custody modification that has been needed for years but came to a head in December. The details of the outcome aren’t necessary for this here blog but as with any good compromise, both of us left the table a little pissed off and no one got everything they wanted.
What I ALSO got though… was the opportunity to look back at who I was 10 years ago when the ex and I engaged in this battle the first time.
You know how you see your child or yourself every day so the changes aren’t as obvious? And then one day, you see a picture of your child and you’re all “Holy Hell! who stole my baby and left this child in my house?!?” That’s what this week was sorta like in a way.
I don’t recognize the woman from a decade ago… I don’t really like her that much if I’m honest, but I didn’t really like her then either.
She compromised who she was for what she thought was important… making choices that would haunt her for years.
She allowed herself to become a victim and blamed herself for everything that was wrong.
She was weak and lost and broken. Broken isn’t even the right word… she was shattered into so many pieces that the idea of ever being whole and complete again was not even within the realm of possibility. It’s not that she couldn’t figure out how to reassemble the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle… it’s more that she couldn’t even see the pieces to try.
I’m not mad at her – she did the best she could considering where she was… I’m thankful for her though…
Comparing where I am now to where I was is sometimes painful. For me and for my mom who has a much more clear vision of those days that are really a foggy haze in my memory. As we talk about the battle and plan for upcoming attacks, we try to strategize and fall back into the fearful place of what was… I find myself reminding her…and myself… that I’m not the same. I’m stronger now. I’m more capable than before. I’m willing and able to stand strong in the face of the monster and say calmly and clearly “You don’t scare me. You have no power to harm me now.”
The girl before was weak where I am strong… strengthened not just from my own growth, but also fortified by the friendships cultivated over the years. I may have been the only one at the table on Tuesday sitting across from my lawyer, but I had an army behind me ready to pounce if called upon and that too gives me strength.
Many tears have been shed over the last few days… some angry tears… frustration tears… but also joyful tears and we celebrate the fact that when we want something desperately enough, growth and change are possible. Not easy mind you… but possible.
As I look upon my ever growing Giant… I see growth and change there too. I see remnants of the scared boy from just a few short months ago still present behind his stoic facade… I still see the frustration he faces with school and change in household and rules… I still see frustration when he can’t get his brain to think the way he wants it to or make the words come out in an understandable way… but I also see happiness. I see a boy who is learning that appreciation matters and voicing that to the people who care for us is important. I see a boy who is learning how to stand strong and say “I made a mistake and I’m sorry” no matter the consequences. I see a boy who’s eyes are opening up to what it’s like to be part of a family that does for one another because we all want to help each other out instead of making one person carry the weight of the world.
This battle is far from over and there still a lot of change and growth yet to come… but seeing where I’ve been gives me great hope for what’s possible on the horizon.