Bent but not broken

Back in March, for those who have forgotten, life changed. I try not to dwell on the negative. I aim to find the rainbows in the storm… literally and figuratively.

For the last seven months since the accident recovery has reminded me that sometimes life has to go at its own pace. You can’t force your bones to mend. You can’t rush the muscle strength. You do the things you should and hope for the best.

Do your best. It’s one of the four agreements…and sometimes, despite your best efforts, life has other plans.

A few weeks ago while working in the yard, I was cleaning out the pond. All the rain and heat created a perfect environment for algae to grow where it wasn’t wanted. I’d been feeling rather healed, albeit tired and as I was standing on the rocks and scooping out the pond, I felt myself lose my balance a bit. Clumsy by nature, there was a bit of panic as I feared going head first into the shallow and murky water but caught myself and found my footing. I felt a twinge… nothing terribly painful but the knowing that something was just not quite right.

As is my nature, I ignored it and persevered. Like you do.

The next day and all the days since, there has been the pain of walking reminiscent of those early days when I was learning how to walk again. I assumed sore muscles… then came the balance issues again.., standing up and having to take several minutes to find my feet. Maybe it’s seconds and not minutes but it feels longer than it probably is.

Once I’m walking, the pain comes and goes- and sometimes I even forget I’m not myself for a while, but the penguin waddle persists.

I miss wearing heels. Oh I try now and then because they are a part of my aesthetic. They make me feel strong and beautiful… and they hurt like hell. Beauty is pain?

I miss being able to walk and feel sexy. There’s nothing pretty about the waddle. I can assure you.

I hate that when I want to ask someone in the next office over a question, I defer to Skype instead of just walking over because it’s faster given my current state of being.

I’m exhausted by the smile I plaster on to avoid pity when I’m in pain.

I dislike the whole damn thing about not quite being me and uncertainty of when I’ll ever get back to good.

Heading in to my latest Ortho visit, answers were given at least. There’s a reason for my limp and pain.

See that top screw? The one that’s slightly curved? Yeah… it should be as straight and parallel to the one below it. Oops.

The doc tells me he’s seen worse and had I not mentioned my pain, he might not have even noticed it. (Tell your doctors when something is off. Always. Don’t be a hero.)

He explains that it’s a race for the bone to heal faster than the mechanics fail. That’s not reassuring.

He runs through all the possibilities for “next steps.” Those range from “do nothing and hope the leg heals” all the way through more surgery… and if surgery, then we’ve got 3 months to make that happen. (Definitely want to take advantage of hitting my deductible!) and in the back of my mind I’m thinking about how, in 4 months, I’m going to Vegas and wanting to not still have this whole thing hanging over me. I want to walk around Vegas without having to literally lean on my companion… or take my cane… and wear my favorite footwear…

For now, we’re in the wait and see mode. A CT scan next week, a follow up in 6. Then we might have more data from which to make a decision.

It seems fitting though that, like me, my screw is bent but not broken. And the Susie Sunshine in me knows that this is such a small piece of my life that will pass.

And in the meantime, looks like I can renew my handicapped parking placard so…. princess parking!!!

People ask about the woman who hit me. I know as much as the googles tell me. Her court date, pending a plea deal or continuance is scheduled for next week. The wheels of justice move at their own pace too I suppose.

I can’t imagine what life must be like for her. Does she know the extent of the consequences of her choice? Does she wake up every day thankful that her actions didn’t cause more damage or death? Or does her mind not look for the rainbows?

I won’t ever know I suppose but I hope that whatever the outcome, we both come out of this stronger than before.

And considering that jail time is a very real possibility for her, I hope I can get back to wearing cute shoes again sooner than she will.

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